For those that know me, I am a very private and reserved person. My writing tends to be a form of self-care to reflect on lived experiences that occurred some time ago. All of that is to say, I will find no solace in sharing my experience now. I do so because the one who abused me fully understands which one of us holds power in the racial dynamic. They have chosen to use that power in an attempt to silence me, and I refuse to submit to intimidation tactics.
In February of 2021, I broke up with my girlfriend. A partner is someone you should be able to trust even during a breakup. Yet, I found myself subjected to extreme mental, physical, verbal, and ultimately sexual abuse for over six hours.
From the onset of the breakup, my partner began screaming at me, attempting to gaslight me into believing I had done and said things that never occurred. Then they rained a barrage of insults for various “personal faults” such as the fact I forget to eat at times, don’t often talk about how I’m feeling, and other things tied to the fact I’m neurodivergent. I was called a child, unmarriable, and made to feel I had betrayed her for not defusing the current situation.
By this point, I was in a heightened state of emotional distress. Then my partner began love bombing. Their tone completely changed; now she began to exclaim she wanted me to be her partner, that she cared about me, and wanted us to work. When I didn’t respond immediately to her statement, her tone quickly switched back to one of degradation. She told me that I wasn’t good enough on second thought, and she wanted to be with someone that didn’t require work, and they just understood emotions.
If someone took me aside to ask me which way was up or down, I wouldn’t have been able to answer. The extreme emotional sensitivity and pain I was under after hours of verbal and mental abuse were overwhelming. I told her she needed to leave in a moment of lucidness, and she went upstairs to pack her things.
After she returned to the living room, she immediately started coming on to me. I asked her multiple times what she was doing, and her responses made me believe she was initiating “makeup sex,” leading me to think she wanted to mend things. Reluctantly I continued, still overwhelmed with emotion. During sex, she racially fetishized me, made comments that alluded to her lust for me, stated that she was mine, and then finally, it all became too much, and I broke down.
Soon after, she revealed that she had just used me for sex. Feeling dehumanized, I became angry. I never raised my voice, but it was written all over my face, and I told her to get dressed so I could take her home. The snow was coming down heavy outside, and as we got into the car, I noticed it only had an 11% charge.
When I asked her if she could wait inside while my car charges so I will have enough range to get her home and myself back safely, she replies that she is afraid of me, and I have to leave now. The road conditions were terrible, we saw a car wrap itself around a telephone pole, and once again, I ask her if we can wait until the roads are salted, to which she replies she is scared of me and I have to drive her now. She was now weaponizing her whiteness.
When you’re a Black man, one of the worst things someone can accuse you of is making a White woman afraid or uncomfortable. She knew this. So full of anxiety, I drove through a snowstorm to take her home and made it back to my house with just a 1% charge left in my car. I remember sitting in the shower for two hours that night, just trying to feel clean and not understanding what was going on. Days later, she reached out, asking if she could come to my house to get dresses she left there – dresses I bought her. I have not heard from her since.
With any breakup, there is temporary pain, and life goes on. Yet, for weeks I’ve been spiraling; my mental health is at an all-time low. I’ve told myself since I last saw her that it was just a misunderstanding, and in the process, I continued to blame myself whenever my behavior became erratic and unbecoming.
Despite failed attempts to resolve things in private, I continued excusing my former partner’s callous and cold behavior as the expected emotional immaturity of a 21-year old. I can’t make excuses anymore. The reality is I’m not getting over a breakup. I am reeling from the trauma of my partner raping me. She took advantage of me during a state when I could not consent, then gaslighted me into thinking I had done something wrong. The blatant use of racism to exert control over me is an experience I won’t soon forget.
I’ve dealt with many hardships in my life, but this is the first time I’ve felt robbed of my humanity by someone I trusted. I made excuses on her behalf because I saw the good in her, but it’s clear what she did to me left a profound subconscious impact. Being a man, being on the spectrum, and being Black are each their own additional barriers to receiving proper support and treatment for the traumatic experience I suffered.
I still believe tomorrow will be better.